House (1986)

Plot:
So there’s this house which is HAUNTED… or is it? Who knows. The movie doesn’t explain.

Then our “hero”, Roger Cobb, moves into the house.. why?... who knows…

Then he starts opening closet doors… again… for no real reason.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that his son went missing years earlier? No? I didn’t. Oh maybe that’s because the movie doesn’t care to tell you until 30 minutes in.

So now he’s looking for his missing son in the house that belonged to his dead aunt… and he’s having flashbacks to Vietnam while he’s writing his novel about his experiences… but there are demons in the house. Or are they? I don’t know.
Long story short: things in the house come alive but it’s never really explained why. They just do. Axes. Fish. Gremlin Children. Gremlin Fish Axes.

Hero:
This hero not only looked like a gay loser but was a total dumb ass. This guy had broken up with his hot, famous actress wife before the story started. If that doesn’t make him gay enough, he baths someone else’s little boy who he just met. Now does that say something about the guy or what?

As well as liking little boys, this guy could not work anything out and ran around like a fool, for the majority of the movie, trying to work it all out….which he never can actually do.

Bad Guy:
The bad guy is the house… wait, no, sorry. The bad guy is Roger’s old Vietnam buddy.
HES BACK FROM THE DEAD AND WANTS REVENGE. Why you ask?
Well you see he was shot in Vietnam and asked Roger to kill him, and Roger didn’t. So he wants to kill Roger because Roger didn’t kill him…

Right.

So Roger left him alive and he was tortured by “Charlie” but instead of haunting the freak out of Vietnam he wants to haunt his oldest friend… okay. Go right ahead. Douche.

Best Quote:
"Mrs. Hooper. It's me, grocery boy!"

Fake Scares:
Now most scary movies have a fake scare where the characters stumble across something that’s scares them. Like something falling over or jumping out that isn’t actually scary. Yeah well this one had nothing. Not even a freaking cat jumping out! Very disappointing…

Death Count:
Throughout this entire “horror” movie only one person actually died and it happened in a flash back of the Vietnam War so it doesn’t really count. Oh and the main character thought he had shot his wife when the house made him think that she came to visit and turned into a monster….Sounds lame and doesn’t make a lot of sense? Well that was the main gist of the whole film.

Worst Scene:
So you’re in the middle of a haunted house tale about a troubled writer, what do you need to break it up?
HOW ABOUT A VIETNAM FLASH BACK SHOT IN YOUR BACKYARD!
DONE.
SOLD AT AUCTION
WRAPPED UP AND GIVEN TO YOUR DEAD AUNT AS A PRESENT.

But not just one. No, you want three of them.

Eerie Coincidence:
Not long after watching this movie I started having ‘House’ flashbacks but they were all filmed in my living room with a few well placed potted plants.

Nudity:
The more deaths and tits in horror movies the better. This one had absolutely nothing! Nothing, except a little boy in the bath. Did someone say paedophile? Come to think of it, there are more naked boys in this film then there are people dying!

Brenty & PD September 15th 2006