Disclosure

The word 'techno-thriller' doesn't get thrown around as much as I'd like. So I'm here today to over use the expression.

Disclosure is what I like to call a 'techno-thriller'. Why? You might ask. Well it's from the literary mind of Michael Crichton, who brings a little bit of technology to everything he writes, be it DNA & Dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, Time Travel & Paul Walker in Timeline or even Lasers & Killer Apes in Congo. He's a master of 'taking something he's researched extensively and throwing an 'escape from the bad things' plot around it.

In the case of Disclosure, he's taken the high flying world of CD-Rom technology and thrown Demi Moore's boobs into the mix. Here now is a countdown of the ten stupidest moments.

10 - The Mike Mullet

Seconds into the film and Michael Douglas has been upstaged.

I don't know how he does it but, especially around the earlier nineties, he has the Mike Mullet. Memorable for playing exactly the same role in every movie just as Mike himself does.

Unlike Mr. MD himself though the Mike Mullet is never in over it's own head, if that's even possible. It holds it's own and does something very few hair-dos can do. And that's still be recognizable without the face attached.

9 - Michael Douglas Has A Bad Day

While we're on the topic of Michael Douglas, is there not a day he wakes up and he's living his normal happy life when EVERYTHING SUDDENLY TAKES A TURN FOR THE WORST.

I can just imagine that he wakes up next to Catherine Zeta Jones and she says "Have a good day at work." Puts on his tie, grabs his keys, kisses his kid on the forehead and then drives off in the grey SUV parked out the front of their big house.

BUT THEN AT WORK THINGS SUDDENLY TAKE A TURN FOR THE WORST when Michael either - sleeps with another woman/kills another woman/has Sean Penn as a brother - and things start to go hay wire.

Everybody around him is acting differently, like they're all out to get him. Michael has to race against time and his own sanity to get everything back in order... BEFORE HIS WIFE FINDS OUT. DUN DUN DUNNN!

8 - It's All About CD-Roms

To give this crappy sexual harrassment techno-thriller a sense of reality Michael Crichton has gone and made a whole sub-plot about the construction of CD-ROMs. Demi & Michael work in the biggest office ever used for a company that creates CD-ROMs.

Sure it's 1994, but c'mon people! Did everybody on the construction team still call them CD-ROMs? Do actual engineers say shit like "oh well, the CD-Roms are in stock and they're running at 56 speed CD-Rom capacity. CD-Rom. CD-Rom."

"It's technology. That's how it works. We're freaking geniuses."

7 - Donald Sutherland Wants To Make Out With You

Part way through Michael Douglas has a dream sequence where his boss played by the delightful Donald Sutherland attempts to make out with him.

Full mouth kiss style as you can see.

This is unpleasant.

I bet even for Mrs. Sutherland.

6 - Email OF THE FUTURE

Hands up everybody who's ever used email that looks like that?

Anybody?

I'm serious. Has email ever looked like that?

I mean I try to set my hotmail up so it comes in size 18 bold Arial and I've always wished to have the electronic mail options of 'label' 'com' and 'system'. But you know, I just settle for what I've got.

5 - The Employment Of Demi Moore

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Bitch can't act.

4 - Virtual Reality!!!111

One of the tech heads in the film invents virtual reality. What is the use of this virtual reality? An awesome first person shoot em up? A travel divise that let's you go anywhere in the world? A 3D portal that takes on you on an adventure through softcore pornography? Well, techno-thrillerites, it's been invented so that people can search through a filing system as if it was a hallway.

All of your files are stored IN ACTUAL FILING CABINETS, but rather than in the real world they're in this virtual reality storage system.

What advantages does this have over a regular computer? None; in fact it's even more time consuming and stupid than Windows Explorer.

3 - Seriously, Virtual Reality.

I don't think I can stress it enough. The reason Disclosure warrants the techno-thriller name tag that I've slapped on it is because the third act consists of this ridiculous 'race against time' that involves Michael Douglas strapping himself into the virtual reality suit so he can LOOK AT COMPUTER FILES.

That's it. I guess they thought Michael Douglas clicking a mouse for fifteen minutes would be too boring and if searching for word documents involved a 3D CGI hallway it would make it much more awesome.

2 - I Swear To God - Virtual Reality!

I SERIOUSLY CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.

They lead us to believe that virtual reality searching is the way of the future. That was in 1994, these guys were fucking up CD-Roms, the year is currently 2007 hands up all those who have taken up space in their living room with their new fangled Virtual Reality Searching Stand and Lighting System?

Nobody? Hmm, that's strange. It seemed so real and just around the corner in Disclosure.

1 - Stupidest Sex Scene Ever

Does the thought of awkward breathy old people make you hot?

Does the image of Michael Douglas crying out 'no no no no no no no no no' over and over get you going?

How about the idea of a already struggling in the acting department Demi Moore trying to figure out how to act the scene 'be attracted to the Mike Mullet so much so that you pull it in the act of passion'?

No?

Me neither.

PD January 25th 2007